


The Tenth Year

by Mouldsee



Category: DBSK|Tohoshinki|TVXQ
Genre: Drama, M/M, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-03
Updated: 2013-09-30
Packaged: 2017-12-25 12:56:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 19,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/953360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mouldsee/pseuds/Mouldsee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Changmin agrees to TVXQ's concept, with a condition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

“No.”  
  
“C’mon,” Yunho was on the floor, looking up at him, putting on his puppy face, “the fans will love it, and it’s time for the Homin couple to be in the spotlight.”  
  
They were in the living room of their dorm with the TV on, but only Changmin was pretending to watch the variety program that was on. His face was set in a slight scowl, his eyes intent on the screen, “The Homin couple will be getting a divorce if you keep this up.”  
  
A cone of ice cream appeared in his line of vision. He chose to ignore it. If he could shut out Yunho’s pleading face, forgoing ice cream was a piece of cake.  
  
Yunho tried a different tactic. He scooted off the floor to settle beside the long lean form sprawled on the couch. He leaned in, using his face to block the screen, “It won’t be over the top, I promise. No kissing.”  
  
It took everything in Changmin to stop himself from grabbing that face and helping himself to the small pouting mouth in front of him.  
  
“Go away.”  
  
Yunho slumped beside him, “Yah Changminnie, I don’t understand why you are so stubborn. It’s not like we’ve never done it before…”  
  
 “YOU’VE done it before,” Changmin snapped, “It doesn’t mean that I should go along with this, and I don’t like it. I refuse to be a replacement.”  
  
There was silence. Yunho looked stunned, his expressive face also reflected pain and betrayal. Changmin was instantly sorry. He knew that he had gone too far when Yunho instantly got up and left the room. The click of the bedroom door shutting quietly made Changmin feel worse.  
  
He wanted to kill the higher ups of SM for putting him in this situation. Earlier today, they had been in a meeting to discuss their concept as TVXQ. It had been fun at first, there were suggestions like “Sexy duo”, “Playboys”, Yunho laughed at “Zombies”. But there was one popular suggestion that everyone seemed to agree on was “Bromance”.  
  
Except Changmin.  
  
One of the directors was explaining, “You could just be really friendly with each other, you know, just to assure the fans that you two are close. Like Super Junior. Some hugging, eye contact, hand holding… sometimes a friendly kiss…”  
  
“We are not going back to that whole ‘are they are they not’ thing again. It’s disgusting and cheap.” The younger member of TVXQ cut in flatly, “We’ll go with sexy, even if it means walking around half naked most of the time.”  
  
Yunho looked panicked “Wait… I can’t… not without a shirt!”  
  
“You can wear shorts,” Changmin assured him, and looked around the table, “We’ll wear chest revealing outfits and maybe with a fake tattoo, rip our shirts while dancing and even wink at cameras. 'Keep Your Head Down' sounds like a good shirt ripping song.”  
  
There seemed to be some nods and murmurs in the room, Changmin was triumphant. He won’t and  _can’t_  go with the bromance concept. He’d worked too hard for this comeback, and that concept will just ruin everything.  
  
He did feel a little guilty about throwing Yunho under the bus. He snuck a glance at the leader – Yunho was looking troubled since the mention of “walking around half naked”, Changmin knew that the older man was extremely self-conscious about his body.  
  
At this point, Lee Soo Man cleared his throat, “Well, I think Changmin’s brought some excellent suggestions to the table,” Changmin felt his ears turning pink at the praise. But the flush disappeared as quickly as it came.  
  
“But I think the best way to go forward is if we can join the two concepts together and go with  _sexy bromance_.”  
  
Changmin had stormed out of the room as politely as he could.  
  
And now Yunho was trying to convince him that it would be a good idea to go along with it, not understanding that Changmin had liked the idea too much, which was the problem. While he knew giving in meant that it gave their careers a second chance, he also knew that if he gave in, his secret would be exposed on national TV.  
  
In the past, everyone thought his boy crush on the older boy was adorable. Little Changminnie who was mean to everyone else but Yunho. The maknae who didn’t let anyone else touch him but the leader. The young man who had nothing but the utmost respect for his hyung and just wanted to bask in the light that shone from him.  
  
His obvious adoration was cooed over by fans, but then promptly ignored when the cameras focused on the couple that seemed heaven blessed in terms of looks and talent.  
  
And Changmin was thankful for it. He was resentful at the beginning, but as he grew up, he realized that it meant that the closeness that he and Yunho shared as friends was more special and intimate. It was like a secret that was theirs and theirs alone.  
  
He had been touched when the leader had tried to bring attention to their relationship, but he had never wanted the spotlight. He enjoyed being able to squeeze up next to his hyung even when the cameras were rolling, put a hand casually around his waist and share a private joke, and it would just get edited out, leaving him with his own private memories. It meant that he could be as touchy feely as he liked, he could do anything he wanted to Yunho, and nobody would give two hoots about it.  
  
Six years of hiding from the camera. Two years of hiding it behind closed doors.  
  
Eight years of heaven and hell.  
  
What is another year, if it was to make sure that they could continue in the one thing that was keeping them together?  
  
Changmin got up and headed towards the closed door and knocked.  
  
Silence.  
  
“Just one year, hyung.”  
  
 _And it would be enough._  
  
“And no kissing.”  


	2. Chapter 2

Yunho wasn’t good at creeping. He tend to bump into things, actually, things tend to bump into  _him_ , or they would choose to shatter the moment there is contact with his fingers. But Yunho had the advantage this time, he knew the layout of the house at the back of his hand, and Changmin was as neat as a pin. It meant that there was nothing to jump out at him and foil his plans.  
  
He was in the midst of tip toeing into his maknae’s bedroom when the door chose to stub his toe. He bit back a hiss of pain and stared in panic at the sleeping form on the bed, expecting a snarl to emerge at any moment.  
  
Nothing.  
  
He heaved a sigh of relief. Changmin had been so prickly recently, he wasn’t sure if he would be welcomed, especially after the conversation they had earlier, he was thankful that the younger man was still asleep, so that he could figure out what he should say.

Yunho was here to make up; his pride didn’t allow him to step out of the room earlier, he’d waited till the lights went off, it was easier to stammer out an apology in the dark.  
  
He settled himself onto the bed and shifted over to lean against Changmin’s sleeping form. He missed this, Yunho inhaled the sharp clean scent that was so dear and familiar to him. They had once been roommates, and it was so natural to share a bed whenever they had those late night conversations that lasted till the wee hours of the morning. Then they would fall asleep, waking up in a tangle of arms and legs. There were also times when they behaved like a couple of kids, the memory of it brought a smile to Yunho’s face.  
  
 _“Hyung,” there was a muffled whisper from the next bed, “Tomorrow’s our first big concert. Are you scared?”_  
  
 _Yunho was awake, practically shitting in his pants just from the thought of it, but he couldn’t let it show, “Nope. I’m excited! We are going to do good Changminnie, our voices will fill the entire stadium. Think about the cheers we are going to get!”_  
  
 _“What if I sing off key?”_  
  
 _That’s something Yunho was worried about personally, but he wasn’t going to frighten the maknae further. He decided to slip out of his own bed to crawl in with the younger boy, whose head was hidden under the blankets, “Are you kidding? Your voice is a national treasure; no one else can hit the high notes like you do.”_  
  
 _The covers shifted slightly and there was a chuckle, “National treasure? I am going to tell the rest of the hyungs you said that!”_

 _Yunho did a mock growl and started tickling him in the ribs, Changmin shrieked with laughter, he curled up, trying to protect himself._  
  
 _“Are you going to tell?”_  
  
 _“I get to be leader for a day… ”_  
  
 _More laughter as the tickling continued. There was a bang on the wall from the room next door._  
  
 _“YAH! SHUT UP! WE’RE TRYING TO SLEEP!”_  
  
 _The two rolled around in the small single bed, in fits of suppressed laughter, arms around each other._  
  
That was only a few years ago.  
  
 _When did it all change?_  
 _Was it during the split?_  
 _Was it when he had ended his last relationship?_  
 _Or did it start way before, but he had been too busy to notice?_  
  
Yunho stared into the darkness. The events were a tumble of one disaster after another and there were things that he did that he wanted to forget. Those few months were the lowest point of his life – it was a blur of depression, drunkenness, self-doubt, anger and despair.  
  
It was as if he woke up one day and discovered that the young boy who hero worshipped him, who hung onto his every word and action, had turned into a reticent young man who preferred the quiet of his own room. And Yunho hadn’t asked why. Because Changmin being there was enough. Just his decision to stay and work on their comeback together was already testament that their friendship was still strong. Asking for more was being greedy.  
  
Which was why he had to apologize.  
  
“Hyung.”  
  
Yunho smiled, maybe some things don’t change. Changmin always somehow knew that he was near.  
  
“I thought you were asleep.”  
  
“I meant it.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“No unnecessary hugging. Or hand holding.”  
  
“Awww… But you know I love hugs!” Yunho put a pout in his voice. But he was grinning.  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
“I guess now we’ve got to say ‘I love you’ on TV.”  
  
“I’d rather starve.”  
  
“I love yooouuuu Changminnie…”  
  
“Go to sleep.”  
  
Yunho chuckled to himself. Tomorrow, he would go back to the office to have a chat with the higher ups. It won’t be to convince them to change the concept, but to be able to let them do what they needed to do. Because they didn’t need to act. The Homin Couple wasn’t a concept. It was them.  
  
He didn’t bother going back to his room that night (because it meant knocking into more things), but instead fell asleep curled up against Changmin, happily drooling into back of his T-shirt. 


	3. Chapter 3

He didn’t think he could last a year.  
  
Changmin stared at his comeback outfits in disbelief. He had said chest revealing outfits as an EXAMPLE for god’s sake, how did they end up with clothes that didn’t have a front? It felt like his navel was also meant to be on show, but the tailor somehow forgot to snip off that last inch of fabric. Yunho would be in tears by now.  
  
He looked over at Yunho, expecting to see him looking self-conscious or fussing over the clothes with the coordi, and promptly forgot to breathe.  _Shit._  
  
Somehow Yunho must have bribed the stylists into giving him less “chesty” outfits and ended up with an asymmetrically cut suit that accentuated every inch of his broad shoulders and long long legs. Changmin thought that perhaps he should be glad that there was no skin showing, but even covered up, Jung Yunho was a walking wet dream.  
  
“Changmin… your nose… Stop bleeding all over your new costume!”  
  
He blamed it on the weather. But the real culprit was prancing around, practicing his dance moves, just to see how high he could kick in those tight fitting pants.  
  
There were other outfits to try on, but it only got worse. Apparently his suggestions at chest baring outfits were taken a little too literally, and it had been repeated across the entire assortment of costumes that have been specially designed for them. Thank god there wasn’t a single fake tattoo in sight.  
  
“How do I look?” Yunho was now looking doubtfully into the mirror, he was now in a garishly printed suit that had a fur… whatever that thing is… but the point was he didn’t have a shirt underneath to cover the broad expanse of chest that was being shown off by the deep V neckline. The tight fitting pants hugged every inch of his muscular thighs, leaving nothing to the imagination.  
  
 _Like you are ready to be sold off to the highest bidder_. Changmin thought, tentatively touching the wad of tissue still stuffed up his nose to see if it could hold a second burst of blood.  
  
Yunho proceeded to throw a few mock punches, as if to test the effect of the outfit. The deep V neckline gaped at each punch. The staff laughed at his antics, only Changmin wasn’t amused, he determinedly turned his back on the leader so that he didn’t have to play peek-a-boo with the tantalizing flashes of brown nipples that kept peeking out with each punch.  
  
Then there were the photo shoots.  
  
They were being briefed by the photographer. Changmin was relieved that their clothes were normal today, the usual T-shirts, sweaters and suits. The set seemed pretty basic, there was nothing but a white backdrop with a table covered by a black table cloth.  
  
“Ok, so today we’re just going to focus on the dynamics between the two of you. To show off your bro…ah…close friendship.”  The female photographer glanced at him and flushed, no doubt she had been told not to mention the word “bromance” in front of  
Changmin, “So uh… just uh… interact.”  
  
Just interact. Right.  
  
He wished his face was covered in paint again and asked to channel anger and pain like they did in the last shoot. Because that was easier. It was exhausting but at least he knew what he had to do. All it took was to bring back the memories of the past months. It wasn’t even an act. But this was a totally different ballgame.  
  
Changmin sagged alittle. This was it, the first of many tests to come.  
  
WHY? Didn’t the stylist bring a ton of shirts along for the shoot? WHY did Yunho have to wear a suit without anything underneath and leave it unbuttoned? What made it worse was that even with all that skin exposed, Yunho looked like a vulnerable little boy with his hair combed flat. Changmin tore his gaze away, and walked towards the set.  
  
They were told to sit facing each other and then lean in. It was supposed to be a twin concept or something, but Changmin thought it was the lamest excuse to get them to look like they were making out.  
  
But they were here, and they had agreed to go with it. Yunho had negotiated with their management that there would be nothing over the top tied to their image and activities, and he was already thankful for that.  
  
They sat, looking slightly awkward for a moment, but there was a twinkle in Yunho’s eye that made Changmin relax. He was always good at that, easing the tension in situations, it was as if the older man knew that he was uncomfortable, and wanted to make things easier for him. Changmin allowed the answering smile to show in his eyes.  _Let’s do this_.  
  
Someone had slipped in a CD of their latest recordings, just to add some mood to the shoot. And as the music filled the room, Changmin wanted to cry at the irony. It had to be  _his_  song,  _Confession_ , written for the very person who was sitting across him, looking at him with those straightforward innocent eyes.  
  
 _Not once had I ever thought, even for a moment,_  
 _That I would become a me without you_  
  
Changmin took a deep breath and leaned in slightly, letting his gaze to rest on Yunho’s jaw, trying to block out the words that he had penned in a fit of overwhelming emotions four months ago.  
  
 _When enough time has passed, I'll probably forget this all_  
 _And not be able to remember a thing as if nothing had happened_  
  
The problem was, not enough time has passed for him. And as Yunho leaned in closer, the scent of him filled his senses, and he wanted to drown in it once again, just like he did many months ago as he held the drunken ranting man night after night. Changmin held himself still, not daring to look up. He could hear the camera clicking away.  
  
 _At my shy confession that I was unable to say in a manly way_  
You quietly came and leaned on me  
  
Changmin saw his own hand lift to meet the hand that was being held out, their fingers touched, intertwined, spread and intertwined again. Their eyes met briefly, but he looked down quickly, fearing that the moment was getting too intimate.  
  
 _I miss you so, I want to go back to those days_  
  
They shifted positions; Changmin placed his face next to the other man and turned, his nose brushing the exposed shell of the ear. He heard Yunho suck in a breath.  
  
 _You, who I believed would be eternal, who was my all,_  
It's not that easy to erase you  
  
He closed his eyes for moment and rested his head against the one next to him, hiding his face from the camera.  
  
 _When enough time has passed, will I be able to live_  
  
One more year, and he would be able to start erasing this one sided obsession of his.  
  
 _Remembering this as a mere fever, causing a smile to grace my lips_  
 _For just one simple moment, like an old diary_  
  
He was not indulging himself. This was for both of them.  
  
“Changmin ah,” Yunho murmured, loud enough only for him to hear.  
  
Changmin opened his eyes.  
  
“I miss you.”


	4. Chapter 4

As they rode the van back to their dorms after the photo shoot, Changmin deliberately kept his headphones on and pretended to doze to avoid any conversation.

He didn’t know what was going on, but this side of Yunho, the vulnerable, emotional side that always managed to pierce through his defenses, was making this whole moving on business extremely challenging.

He could feel Yunho’s eyes on him, searching, wondering. Changmin knew the older man well enough to know that his head was probably cocked to one side, that expressive face of his puzzled and hurt.

He didn’t respond to what Yunho had said during the shoot. Part of him had melted a little at the soft confession, but the practical side of him soon took over and dismissed it as Yunho being his usual sappy self and was caught up in the moment.

Changmin had set himself a deadline to remove Jung Yunho from his heart, and he was sticking to it. He had already moved it thanks to their comeback and the need to present themselves as a happy loving _bromantic_ couple. But after eight years and that one earth shattering night six months ago, he wasn’t about to start back sinking back into his old one-sided desperate behavior.   

And as if to punish himself for that one moment of weakness, Changmin made himself bring back the painful memory of night he made the decision to protect his heart and start moving on.

_Six months ago_

“You need to come get your hyung.”

Before the voice on the phone could continue, Changmin was already putting on a jacket and heading towards the door. It was 3am in morning, and Yunho had been gone all night. This could only mean one thing.

Changmin wanted to cry at the sight of his leader slumped on the ground outside the bar in a puddle of puke, fighting off one of his friends who was trying to pull him up and off the ground. The group had form a circle around him, as if trying to shield him from any possible curious passersby. He wasn’t used to seeing Yunho like this, out of control, shattered and angry.

 _“Jush leave me alone…”_ Yunho snarled, slurring his words and angrily snatching his arm away _, “jush goooo… you’re all gonna leave anyway…so why bother pretending… ”_

Everyone looked on helplessly as he lost his balance and fell back against the wall. He grunted and refused any offers of help to sit back up, hitting out at anyone who dared to touch him. Yunho looked like a dog that’d been cornered and now snapping at anybody who wanted to come near.

“Hyung,” Changmin said quietly, “Hyung, it’s time to go home.”

Yunho went quiet, as if recognizing his voice, but refusing to look at him. He turned away, as if ashamed.

Changmin stepped forward and crouched, ignoring the mess that was getting on his shoes and clothes, leaned forward and hooked his arms underneath the older man’s armpits. Changmin didn’t move for a moment, it was an awkward sort of embrace to assure Yunho that everything was ok, that he was here, that they could go home and everything will be fine. He felt Yunho’s head drop onto his shoulder, all the fight going out of him. Changmin stood up, supporting his weight, nodded a silent thanks to Yunho’s friends and started towards the car that he had illegally parked along the curb in his rush to get there.

“Changmin … Changmi…” Yunho was chanting his name as they stumbled through the front door of the dorm, “Chami…”

 _I’m here hyung. I’m here._ Changmin helped the still-drunk man onto his bed, and started work on cleaning off the dried vomit and removing his clothes. He moved to cradle Yunho’s head on his lap, heart aching as he ran a wet cloth gently over the pale thin face that he loved so dearly. Yunho was now quiet; eyes were closed, his breathing slowly evening out. This was not the first time he was doing this, but it still broke him to see the person whom he knew took pride in iron control shatter over and over again.

They spend the days going through the motions, a shell of their usual selves, blocking out thoughts and the outside world by diving into the minimal obligations that are left during this hiatus. But during the nights, when their individual schedules are over, it meant time on their hands to think about the past and let their own inner demons take over.  

Changmin didn’t really have to guess what Yunho was going through. He knew that whatever self-doubt he was going through was probably multiplied a million times for the proud man who took responsibility for everything that had happened. The normally chatty and restless leader would now spend hours locked in his own room or disappear off into the night till the wee hours of the morning, sometimes arriving home looking tired and drawn, heading straight to bed, sometimes reeking of alcohol and cigarettes but still sober, and then there were nights like this, where Changmin would get a call to come and bring him home from whatever club or bar Yunho had picked to drown his sorrows in. He never knew what would happen, and he would sit in the living room, waiting, in case the phone call ever came.  

He moved, ready to leave Yunho to sleep, as he usually did after getting him settled, but a hand came up and caught him by the wrist, “Don’t go. Please, don’t go.”

_Bad idea._

Changmin looked down, Yunho’s eyes were now open, staring up at him, but he wasn’t sure if it was him he was seeing, “I can’t … not alone.” He said brokenly, his voice hoarse with unshed tears.

He hesitated for a moment, then sighed and lifted Yunho’s head from his lap and stretched out beside him, hoping that he could just lie there till Yunho was satisfied and fall asleep. To his horror, the older man turned and shifted towards him, burrowing his face into his shoulder. And then the dry sobs began.

Changmin was lost. He took Yunho into his arms and held him, running his hands up and down the broad back, as if trying to soothe away the pain. He buried his face in his hair and closed his eyes, trying to shut out the animal-like sounds of pain that was coming from the person that he respected and looked up to the most in the world. There were no tears, but each hoarse sob tore at his heart, each heave made him tighten his arms, in hopes of absorbing the hurt that the other man was feeling. He couldn’t think of anything to say, except the promises he wanted to make. _I’m here. Always. Forever. Until you hate me. Until you want to leave. Here with you. By your side._

_I love you._

In the million times he replayed the scene in his head later, he couldn’t remember what had happened next, all he could remember was the slide of Yunho’s jaw against his, the burn of rough stubble against his cheek and the next thing he knew, there was a brush of lips across his, as if seeking permission.

It was the most natural thing in the world to lift his hands to cup Yunho’s face and kiss back.

Changmin heard a small sob before the lips against his opened up to deepen the kiss, an invitation for him to slide his tongue in to stroke and explore the mouth that had haunted his every waking moment for years. The answering slide of Yunho’s tongue against his made him groan. Their hands moved restlessly, desperately grasping, caressing, shifting clothes out of the way.   

Changmin couldn’t believe that this was happening. He didn’t want this dream to end.

But as quickly as it had started, it ended as Yunho broke off the kiss and sighed out a name. That wasn’t his.

It took everything in his willpower not to scream and hit out. Instead, he removed himself slowly from the bed and stood, looking down at the man who had just broken his heart. Yunho was already half asleep, still muttering softly to himself, his hands grasping at the space where Changmin had lain a few moments before. The kiss that meant everything to him, was nothing but a drunken memory of a past relationship for Yunho. 

It was just him alone, grasping at an empty dream. 

He turned and walked out of the room.

_Enough, Shim Changmin, enough._


	5. Chapter 5

It was as if the gods were all conspiring to make it difficult for him to walk away. Or at least they were bent on having a laugh while watching him at it.

That damn song that he wrote was playing again, and this time, he had to _talk_ about it. What was worse, the subject of the song was singing praises about his writing talents and how he listened to _Confession_ often.

 _Oh, the irony_. Changmin wanted to pick up a pen and stab himself. 

Yunho was laughing and patting his hand, “You don’t have to say anything, hyung knows, I know that you want to confess to me, I know everything! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…”

 _No, I think I’ll stab you instead._ Changmin had to grip his hands to prevent himself from physically hurting the man beside him and the giggling colourful ball that was hosting the radio show they were currently on.

Changmin allowed himself a moment to indulge in the fantasy where he punched his oblivious hyung in the face and then leapt across the table to choke Shindong. The jokes were hitting too close to home, and he knew he could nothing but play along with the two SM seniors who seemed to be having too much fun at his expense.

He smiled through gritted teeth, “The lyrics have the feelings of someone singing to a _woman_ who he loved and who he’s no longer with.” _Or more like_ _in the process of getting over an idiot._

Changmin didn’t know how much more of this he could take. Earlier, they had been over at another radio show, also hosted by Super Junior members. And there he had already sat through a first round of teasing about _Couple Shinki_ , and Yunho had laughingly gone along with the whole thing.

 _Husband and wife indeed._ Changmin allowed himself a small smile. It _was_ funny.

He reveled in the secret pleasure of being called the wife. But just because Yunho was unhygienic and liked to leave a mess behind didn’t make him the manly one.     

Changmin sat back and watched the other man talk enthusiastically into the microphone, hands gesticulating, face stretched into a sort of childish glee while he bantered with Shindong. There was a new softness to Yunho, a slight vulnerability that was previously not allowed to be seen on camera that now added to his appeal.

In the past, Changmin’s eyes often wandered over to the older man because of his charisma and confidence. But now, he found that he couldn’t take his eyes off him because of this potent mix of fragility and strength that he saw in Yunho.

When the news that they were going to prepare for a comeback with just the two of them came, it was like the opportunity breathed life into Yunho again. Their schedules started to fill up, and there were meetings and preparations to be done. With packed schedules, there was less time to mull over the past and more reasons to focus on the future.

The haunted look that shadowed the older man’s eyes was slowly replaced with the steely determination that Changmin was more familiar with. And he had taken great care to make sure that the little spark that had ignited within the leader wasn’t going to go out by constantly pushing him, bossing him around and picking fights.

And it’s not like there wasn’t anything to fight about in the first place, having water drunk directly from the shared water container in the refrigerator and the toothpaste tube constantly bent in the middle and left in the shower stall really drove him crazy. But even Changmin had to admit that it sounded painfully domestic when they spoke about it in public.

Heartbreak aside, Changmin was glad to see that Yunho was laughing again. The comeback had been successful right from the start, and the fans seemed to be lapping up the close relationship that they were revealing to the cameras.

If this is what it took for them to climb their way back to the top, Changmin was willing to grit his teeth and carry on. He wasn’t going to let Yunho fall apart again even if it was going to kill him slowly over the next year.

“Changdola…”

Yunho was leaning back into the seat next to him in the van, his eyes closed, a small smile playing on his lips. It was just the two of them on the way home with their driver at the front. The mood was comfortable, happy even; they had fun doing the two shows with their friends from the same agency.

Changmin felt an answering smile tug at the corners of his mouth, Yunho smiling and looking relaxed always made him feel like everything was right in the world, “Hmmm…?”

“I wasn’t joking when I said I listened to _Confession_  often. It’s a beautiful song.”

He wasn’t sure where this was going. But he was suddenly grateful for the darkness in the van.

“Whoever that person was, I know she felt loved and was happy. To be loved by you. She was lucky to have experienced it.”

Changmin sat frozen, he stared blindly ahead, hoping that Yunho would doze off or just… miraculously stop talking. His own throat worked, but he couldn’t think of anything to say. His usual supply of snark had somehow melted into a puddle of goo in his brain. All he could hear was the chant of his inner voice.

_Don’t make me fall again. Don’t make me forget what I’ve promised myself. Don’t make me think that this could be real._

And as if Yunho knew that he had hit a raw nerve and that Changmin was now vulnerable. He went in for the kill.

 “Thank you.”

There was a short silence. And when he didn’t respond, a warm hand reached out, covered his and squeezed. His heart which had sped up since a minute ago nearly stopped at the next words.

 “You’re probably thinking that I’m thanking you for being here,” Yunho’s voice was a murmur, “But I wanted to thank you. For j..just for _being_.”

The atmosphere of the van had shifted some time in the past few minutes from comfortable to one that was dangerously intimate, too intimate for Changmin’s sanity. He shook the hand off, closed his eyes tightly and pushed away the bubble of joy that was threatening to break his control.

“You’re such a sap,” Changmin hated the bite in his voice, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to be, _couldn’t_ be swept up in this wave of sentimentality that was seemed to have carried over into their private lives, “Just cut the crap and go to sleep. It’s embarrassing.”

 _It will get easier_ , he told himself, _it can’t get any worse than this_. He just had to keep playing this until numbness takes over. Then hopefully, he will wake up one day and be able to get through the day, smile, sing and laugh with Yunho without feeling the ache. 

But nothing prepared him for the following months to come.

It was as if Yunho had decided the private heartfelt “thank you” wasn’t enough. For the weeks and months that followed, Yunho played the role of a hero in a movie, practically running to shout from the rooftops just how thankful and grateful and how much _needed_ him.

It was like a declaration of love that was repeated over and over in magazines and on TV shows.

It felt like a confession that Changmin had to read over and over again as each magazine was placed strategically on his bed every time any one of their interviews came out.

And there had been one that had touched him especially; so much that he had allowed himself to secretly make a cutting of it and kept hidden in his diary for memories.

_“If I did not meet Changmin, I would be living half a life.”_

It was a confession that Changmin couldn’t actually accept or reject. Because he didn’t know what was real or for show anymore.

As he approached the end of his ninth year as part of TVXQ, Shim Changmin decided it was time to really move on, and move out.

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

Yunho was whistling (If the short puffs of air that was coming from his lips counted as whistling), because he was happy. They had just finished practice for their upcoming Japan tour, and everything seemed to be falling into place. Both their Korean and Japanese comebacks have been more successful than unexpected. He couldn’t believe that a year have flown by since they have decided to come back as a duo.

He didn’t remember when was the last time he had felt this relaxed and contented, and he would’ve done a little skip of joy if not for the fact that the ground was a little icy, he knew that he would somehow slip and land on his ass and then it’ll be all over the internet the next day. And Shim Changmin would disapprove.

He smothered a grin and looked over his shoulder, Changmin was just behind him as usual, all wrapped up in a scarf and a long coat that accentuated his tall slim frame, looking like he just stepped out of a fashion magazine. His mouth was pursed, his eyes watchful, _watching him_ , as if he was thinking that Yunho was just one step away from an accident.

Yunho gave a mental snort. Changmin really behaved like a wife sometimes, even his expression was that of a woman who was already forming a mental list of things to nag him about. But before he could open his mouth to tease the younger man, he felt himself lose his footing, and would have fallen if not for the steadying hand on his back.

“I don’t know how you can do all those moves on stage without falling flat on your face,” Changmin grumbled, now staying close, his hand never leaving his lower back, “Can you at least look at where you’re going?”

“Changminnie, my knight in shining armor,” Yunho said breathily, batting his lashes, “What would I do without you?”

All he got in return was a glare and he thought heard something along the lines of ‘clumsy five year old’ being muttered, but Changmin didn’t move away. Yunho shuffled a little closer and was contented to walk in silence, his step now surer know that the hand on his back was going to keep him from falling.

And Yunho hated falling.

The sensation of free fall, not knowing when it was going to stop, was something that Yunho was familiar with, and hoped that he would never go through again.

He hated the loss of control, of spiraling downwards not knowing where he was headed to, just going through the motions of life, always haunted by the past, searching for answers that nobody could provide. At some point, he had wanted to give up, walk away and leave everything behind.

Thank god for Changmin being there to catch him.

Every morning, when he woke up and struggled to escape from the demons of the night, he clutched at the one thought that would pierce through all the despair that threatened to overwhelm him.

Changmin was waiting.

It was unspoken. There was no need for words. Sometimes the man himself would be physically present by his bedside when he woke up, waiting with a glass of water and aspirin, and there are other times, it was a simple home cooked breakfast sitting at the dining table and a note to remind him to have his normal meals. There were also the mornings where he’d come home from running away from his demons, to find the maknae asleep on the couch, obviously having spent hours watching the front door and the phone. It was like Changmin had the faith that somehow, he would have the answers for the both of them.

It was funny, how it was the small things that reminded him that he was still alive and that there was still tomorrow to live for. People around him had been walking on eggshells, the easy conversations and the jokes have stopped, because nobody wanted to be the first to say something that would touch on the ruins of his personal life and career and set off a meltdown. But Changmin seemed to have no such qualms; there was nothing delicate in the way he confronted him about the mess he created in the kitchen, the shouting matches they had over the temperature of the bath water, and even the pissy text messages to stop him from dashing into the house with his shoes on, made him realize that life went on, and the normalcy of their daily routine brought a sort of calm to the rage he was feeling within.

And little by little, the younger man became his refuge. And that reliance has continued and grown, even after they’ve gotten back on their feet and made it back into the spotlight in the past year. Yunho had become so attuned to Changmin’s presence, that he would jerk awake in the middle of a nap in between schedules if the other man were to leave his side. There were other times where he had to travel alone for solo activities, and he would feel a little lost even though he had done it a million of times before.

Yunho missed the hero worship. It stung his pride a little at the beginning that their roles seemed to have changed, but he now looked at the man beside him and understood that the cute awkward boy with funny ears had grown up in the process of picking up the broken pieces of the man he had put on the pedestal, was now able to see him without rose coloured lenses.

Yunho had felt a funny ache in his heart at the knowledge that he was no longer perfect in Changmin’s eyes.  

Yunho gave a little sigh and snuck another look at the taller man, whose face was half buried in his scarf against the chilly wind. But he could still picture the perfect side profile that had graced the countless magazines since they had come back as a duo.

The too big eyes, wide mouth and large nose that previously looked slightly comical with cheeks filled out with baby fat now sat on a face that looked like it had been chiseled by master sculptor. And the effect was startling.

_When did you become the one who was perfect?_

It was that strange hollow ache in his chest again. Yunho pulled the jacket tighter around him and shivered slightly. He felt Changmin press in closer, as if to keep him warm, and the feeling was chased away by the glow that spread through him.

He smiled up at the man who had made his world right again.

“Changminnie…did I ever tell you what a perfect wife you make? You’re good looking, you can cook AND clean...Yah! Changmi…Why are you angry?!”

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

The concert venue was filled to the brim, there must be about fifty thousand pairs of eyes watching him, but to Yunho standing in the centre of the huge brightly lit stage, the concert venue was just a blur of red light sticks. He could hear screams and laughter from the audience, but Yunho didn’t care, his entire awareness was focused on what was going on behind him. He could feel his heart pounding with excitement.

The screams got louder, but the sound of his own heartbeat drowned it out as he heard the footsteps approaching, almost predatory in its slowness. Yunho shivered slightly. He had been waiting for this all night. The footsteps stopped and a body pressed up against him. Yunho could feel the other man’s long lean form, clothes slightly damp with sweat, he could smell the musk of the man behind him. He was trembling by the time Changmin’s long arm caught him around his shoulders to pull him tighter against his hard length.  

The world fell away as they stood together on stage, pressed against each other. Yunho didn’t give a shit about the audience now, all he could feel was the man behind him, the hot breath against his neck sending thrills through his body and pooling into liquid desire at his crotch.

“Hyung,” Changmin’s deep voice breathed into his ear, “Kiss me.”

_That wasn’t part of the script._

But Yunho didn’t really remember what the script actually said, all he could do was obey. He turned into the embrace with a slight moan, and reached up to kiss the taller man. Just as their lips were about to meet, those sleepy beautiful eyes sharpened, “ _Hyung, what are you doing_?!”

Yunho awoke with a start. He blinked, trying to get his bearings. He was in bed. In Changmin’s bed to be exact. And the whole thing had been a dream.

They weren’t in Japan performing their Bibari & Rui gag, that was a few months ago. They were back in their dorm in Korea, and resting after a long day of schedules. Yunho had decided to bunk over, something that he had done frequently lately. He had told Changmin that the mattress on his bed was giving his back trouble and it was affecting his dancing (he was glad that Changmin didn’t notice that they were using the exact same type of mattress).

Beside him, the man whom he was about to kiss in his dreams, was still fast asleep, an arm and leg carelessly thrown around him. They were laying face to face, just a breath away from each other. It seemed like it was only in sleep that Changmin could finally relax enough to be physically close without any sort of tension.

It wasn’t the first time Yunho had dreamt of this. But each time, it had ended differently. There were versions of the dream where he waited, but Changmin had stopped and said, “I don’t like men.”, then there were the ones where the maknae had laughed in his face when he had responded. Those were the ones that hurt him the most.

Yunho gave a small sigh and stared at the sleeping man. He had described Changmin looking like a Koala while sleeping, but right now, being so close, practically locked in an embrace, and just looking at the long eyelashes fanning the high cheekbones, Yunho’s mind wasn’t on cute furry animals.

_What the hell am I doing?_

Yunho inched slightly closer, and froze when the other man gave a slight snore.

_Maybe I should pretend to be asleep. Just in case._

He squeezed his eyes shut, and shifted forward slightly. Still no contact. Yunho opened an eye to try to gauge the distance. Those lips were still an inch away. He stretched out further, eyes closed, and lightly brushed his lips against the half open mouth of the still sleeping man.

It wasn’t the kiss that he’d imagined. But it was enough for now.

Yunho settled back, and satisfied himself by staring. He didn’t know when this attraction had started, but what started as awareness had flamed into something hotter during their Japan tour. He remembered his heart speeding up during the gag segment of their performance as Changmin came up to him, held him tightly from behind and bent his head close to his ear.

Yunho would have had to deal with the embarrassment of having an immediate hard-on in front of thousands of fans, if not for the drape of the loose garments they were wearing that hid his reaction. He had immediately bent over and shoved Changmin away from him laughingly, but he couldn’t hide the blush that had stained his cheeks and turned his ears a bright pink. The audience had roared their appreciation, their screams almost mocking his horror at the dawning realization that he was intensely attracted to his maknae. Changmin had smirked, and later on decided that it was fun to turn the tables by having Yunho play the “victim” more often, much to his discomfort.

But that was the only time when Changmin had found it natural to have any overt physical contact. It seemed like the one year clause that he had stipulated right from the beginning of their comeback was something he took seriously. As they got back their footing, Yunho watched helplessly as Changmin became increasingly distant, he wasn’t sure if it was something he had done or said. In fact, he had made sure that he told anyone who was willing to shove a microphone in his face that just how he much respected and appreciated the younger man.

He didn’t know how else to do it, not when he had all these _feelings_ that he wanted to articulate, like the happiness of waking up every day knowing that his day will be spent with the one person whose existence itself breathed life into him. Except now, in retrospect, perhaps it wasn’t only friendship and appreciation he felt all along. And whatever this was, Yunho wasn’t ready to put a name to it. Yet.

Because putting a name to it meant that things could change. And Yunho wasn’t sure he was ready for that. It was nice to be free from worry and to wake up safe in the knowledge that things would be just as they were. With Changmin by his side. That was the most important thing.

His mind flashed through memories of Changmin smiling up at him, mismatch-eyed, fringe flopping into his eyes, eyes wide with admiration. Changmin shooting up, awkward, long limbed, going through his dance steps, head bent in embarrassment when he just couldn’t get it right. Changmin, eyes closed, reaching those impossibly high notes, veins cording his neck, the bright lights of the stage casting a glow about him. Changmin, lips pursed, eyes laser focused on some point elsewhere as the arguments raged about him. Changmin, darkly handsome, broad shouldered, holding his hand to make their bows to the applause of the crowd. Changmin, standing by his side, always watching, eyes hooded.

Nine years of friendship. He was afraid that he could wreck it with one wrong move.

As Yunho drifted back to sleep, pretending that the embrace he was locked in wasn’t accidental, he vowed that he would confront this _thing_ and then decide what he needed to do about it. One day. When he wasn’t so tired, maybe after their next come back…  

But the day came sooner than expected.

 Yunho stood stunned as Changmin walked through the front door of their dorm the next day and announced very casually, “Hyung, I think it’s time I moved out.”

_Sometimes it takes heartbreak to put a name to things._

“Okay.”

_I think I love you._


	8. Chapter 8

“Hyung, I can do this without any help.”  
  
They were in the midst of packing for Changmin's move. There were boxes already taped and placed by the doorway, ready to be carried off to his new apartment. Yunho was also helping out, except he was making a bigger mess rather than helping with organization.  
  
Changmin was starting to look irritated, but he couldn’t help himself. He just couldn’t sit by and watch. He felt a little part of him die every time another box was sealed and put aside. It was like their life together was being packed away like it never happened. He wanted to go for a long walk to avoid the entire painful process, but at the same time, he couldn’t bear the thought of arriving back to an empty dorm without having the chance to say goodbye.  
  
“When are the movers coming to pick your things up?” Yunho fiddled with a loose tape that had come off a box. He stared very hard at the ordinary piece of masking tape like it was holding the secret to how he could try to convince Changmin to stay.  
  
Changmin’s reason for moving had been very simple – their career was secured, there was no need to stay together to assure everybody that they had a solid relationship. They each needed their own space. Yunho couldn’t find a good argument against that. There were always shocked reactions to them still staying together - two men in their mid-20s as successful as they should be eager for some space and privacy.    
  
Except that Yunho didn’t really care about space. He didn’t mind spending every single waking minute (and sleeping for the matter) with Shim Changmin. Apparently the younger man didn’t feel the same.  
  
He looked up when he didn’t get a response, and saw that Changmin was avoiding his eyes, “When? Tomorrow morning?”  
  
“I’m moving out this evening.” Changmin said quietly.  
  
“So soon?!” Yunho was stunned, it was as if the younger man couldn’t wait for one more minute to be rid of him, “But we haven’t done anything special to give you a proper send-off! And… and…” _What? Why are you treating like this is not like the biggest THING that is happening in our relationship? Oh wait. What relationship?_  
  
“Hyung, it’s not like we are not going to see each other every other day. In fact, instead of seeing each other for twenty-four hours,  
it’ll just be reduced to sixteen.” Changmin sounded like he was a parent explaining the facts of life to a child. “… And you can wear your shoes into the house whenever you want now.” He added teasingly.  
  
Yunho had gotten rid of the habit months ago. But he wasn’t going to point that out, it wasn’t time to get into petty arguments. Although he did feel like throwing a fit just for the heck of it, it would at least release some of the frustration he was feeling.  
  
“I want to help.” He insisted, starting to stack boxes again, “We need to get ready for the movers when they get here… “  
  
“But there aren’t going to be movers. Kyu and Minho are coming over to help bring the stuff over to the new place.” Changmin said carefully, like he was finally getting an idea that Yunho was feeling upset, “You could go out with your friends, watch a movie or something.”  
  
So even Kyuhyun and Minho knew that Changmin was going to move out and when he was moving. And more importantly, _where_. The TVXQ maknae had been very evasive about his new place, dismissing his questions with short answers like “It’s in the vicinity of the dorm.” Or “We’ll still see each other, so stop bugging me.”  
  
Feeling hurt, Yunho picked up his jacket and left the house without another word. He wasn’t going to stick around when he knew he wasn’t wanted. He might be oblivious (as Changmin had often pointed out) but he wasn’t stupid to hang around and watch Changmin and his stupid Kyuline have fun moving.  
  
Yunho couldn’t believe that he was entering the tenth year of his career and he was in this mess. He had just realized that he had fallen in love with his bandmate (never mind the shock that he could be attracted to a man), whom he had seen as a younger brother, best friend, and soulmate. And now, the love of his life not only didn’t seem to reciprocate his feelings, Changmin suddenly found the need to be independent and was leaving home like some rebellious teenager. And here he was, supposedly one of Korea’s most eligible bachelors, wandering around the streets of Seoul, hiding in a hoodie, in order to avoid crying at the sight of Changmin happily packing his bags. It was embarrassing.  
  
It was like he was never going to get lucky in love. He’d been dumped three times. THREE TIMES. All by women who had claimed that he wasn’t a hundred percent committed and they weren’t going to share him. The last relationship had been full of drama and jealousy (on her part), and had ended with a terrible fight right before the band had split up. And now, it felt like he was being dumped all over again. Before it even began, before there was even a chance of anything happening.  
  
 _What do you expect Jung Yunho? You’ve been nothing but something he’s been propping up for the past two years._  
  
Yunho went back to his old route along the train tracks to sort out his thoughts, just like in those troubled days two years ago, but even as it grew dark and it was time for him to head back home, he had no answers as to how he was going to get through this. And to make things worse, there was no one waiting for him at home.  
  
The house was dark when he got through the front door, the living room, which was cluttered with boxes and suitcases earlier in the day, was back to its normal state. He stood in the middle of the dorm, looking around him. Everything looked the same, except for some missing books and CDs from the shelves. But the house never felt so empty.  
  
Changmin was gone.  
  
His phone beeped. Yunho scrambled for it, hoping that it was Changmin telling him that he’d changed his mind, or maybe to come over and check out his new place.  
  
His shoulders sagged. It was a message from Donghae.  
 _I heard from Kyuhyunnie that Changmin moved out. Did you guys break up?_ _J_  
  
Yunho scowled.  _Bloody Donghae. Trust him to make a joke out of this._  
  
He texted back.  
 _Shut up. Don’t go around saying weird things._  
  
The phone rang, and he snatched it up, thinking it was Donghae calling for a good laugh at his expense.  
  
“Lee Donghae! It’s not funny!” Yunho snapped into the phone, “We didn’t break up and I don’t want Changmin hearing anything about this!”  
  
There was a pause.  
  
“Hyung?”  
  
It was Changmin, sounding puzzled. Yunho wanted the ground to open and swallow him up together with the damn phone.

“Changminnie! Ahahaha… I thought it was Donghae. What’s up? Where are you? I came home and you were gone and… then Donghae texted me and … ” Yunho was blabbering. The initial shock of hearing Changmin’s voice and the joy that filled him was making him sound like an idiot.  
  
There was another pause. Yunho prayed that Changmin didn’t ask any questions. He could practically hear the wheels spinning in the other man’s brains over the phone. Thankfully, he let it go this time.  
  
“Hyung, could you come to the ninth floor?”  
  
The dorm was on the tenth floor. What was on the ninth floor? Wasn’t Changmin supposed to be in his new apartment? Did something happen? Had someone fallen down the stairs while moving?  Was Changmin injured?  
  
Yunho was already racing out of the door, with Changmin still on the line, “Changdola are you ok? Hyung's coming! Don’t move!”  
  
“Hyung… wha… Don’t be silly…! HYUNG! STOP RUNNING! You’ll hurt yourself!”  
  
Yunho ignored the rising panic in Changmin’s voice and threw himself down the stairs, heedless of his own safety, forgetting that he could be the one falling down the stairs. As he rounded the stairwell, he saw a familiar tall figure, leaning against an open apartment door, phone in hand.  
  
Yunho stopped in disbelief.  
  
Changmin straightened, grinning, “Hello neighbour.”  
  
Yunho could feel the tears of relief gathering behind his eyes. Changmin was still here. The asshole thought it was funny to move out and into the apartment downstairs. But the important point was, Changmin hadn’t left him.He might have just shifted slightly out of reach.  
  
 _I will not cry._  
  
Instead, he flung himself at the taller man and gathered him into a bear hug.  He had almost never done this, not since things had changed between them. But Yunho couldn’t put his relief and joy into words this time.  
  
He felt Changmin tense, and he nearly sagged in relief when he felt arms come around him to grip him tight.  
  
“Did you think I could leave you alone so that you could set the building on fire? I guess a one floor difference is enough space for me.”  
  
Yunho didn’t want to ask the millions of questions he had on his mind right now. He just wanted to go home. And home was wherever Changmin was.  
  
He broke away and coughed awkwardly to cover up his embarrassment at the rare display of emotion, “uh…Let’s go check out your place and then watch some TV.” He muttered, brushing past Changmin to get into the house. Anything to hide the flush that was creeping up his face.  
  
‘YAH JUNG YUNHO! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF!”


	9. Chapter 9

As the months passed and TVXQ moved into the tenth year of being a band, Changmin came to slowly accept the fact that being in love was not something that he could talk himself out of. It was not like looking at an entire bucket of deep fried chicken wings and pushing it away while telling himself that it wasn’t good for him and he would spill out of those damned tight fitting costumes if he inhaled the entire lot.  
  
And god knows how much he had tried to push this away, but the oblivious object of his affections was making it so hard by constantly invading his mind and physical space just by being … himself. Even after moving out, even with all the arguments and heartbreak he had gone through, their relationship had gotten to the point where it was like wearing a snuggie and curling up on the couch with a cup of hot tea on a winter’s day. The feelings that he had sat within him, no longer a pain, but a warm ache that he had come to accept as part and parcel of getting through each day.  
  
There were times when he would come home after his solo activities and hear his shower running, and Yunho would saunter out of the bathroom half an hour later with a towel draped casually around his hips, like it was  _his_  home. His excuse was that he’d forgotten to buy shampoo for himself or that he’d run out of towels and it made sense to come down and borrow his (and since he was here, he might as well take a bath as well). Changmin would yell and stomp around, and Yunho would call him a petty anal selfish brat who should have moved further away if he wasn’t willing to share. And then they would both storm off, Yunho slamming the front door behind him still in just a towel. But hours later, they would climb into the company van for their schedules, Changmin would hand his hyung a bottle of water in silent apology and all will be fine again.  
  
Then there were there were the silences, where they would sit side by side in a waiting room while the staff fussed around them, not speaking, but yet perfectly comfortable. There were also conversations that took place during filming, that nobody would ever know about.  
  
Changmin had blurted out during one of their shows that they were no longer living together; there was a slight awkward pause that was quickly covered up by the emcees. But he knew what Yunho was thinking just from the slight stiffening of the smile on his face, and he’d supplied his own response.  
  
 _You just had to say it on national TV didn’t you?_  
  
 _They were going to find out sooner or later._  
  
 _Can’t wait to open up the bachelor pad?_  
  
 _Hyung, just shut up and answer the damn question._  
  
And that had been that. Yunho had handled the questions smoothly like a diplomat, leaving Changmin to sit back and smile proudly at how his leader was such a pro at these variety things.  
  
It was these things that had seeped into his soul and stayed. Even when his last resort had been to move, in a last minute change of heart, he decided that it was good to remain… contactable.  
  
 _Who I am kidding? I’m just a lovesick fool who is a sucker for pain._ Changmin’s mouth twisted into a bitter smile as he walked up the stairs on his weekly visit to the apartment above him. He had sworn before that they were now leading separate lives and Jung Yunho’s messes were none of his business. But since the day he’d gone upstairs to fetch something he’d forgotten and saw the disaster that was previously his home, he had decided to sneakily play housekeeper occasionally to make sure there wasn’t going to be week-old left overs or overflowing bathwater dripping through the floorboards and into his home below.  
  
The house was empty as Yunho was away for his own filming; he had been given a second chance at acting, and had been over the moon when the news came. Changmin had had to sit through agonizing hours of script reading playing the female lead with Yunho because the man had been so nervous about forgetting his lines in front of his acting seniors.  The older man had grabbed him into an embrace at some point, whispering, “Please don’t leave me and stay by my side.”  
  
It would have been funny if not for his heart skipping a beat and for one split second, he’d wanted to return the embrace. Instead, he’d shoved Yunho away and glared, “Save the effort for the cameras.”  
  
Changmin winced at the memory, it was over reaction on his part, but having to listen to Yunho pour out words of love meant for somebody else really frayed his nerves.  
  
He walked through the house, picking up the clothes that were strewn around and pitying the girl that Yunho was ultimately going to settle down with. He might love the man, but to have to pick up his messes for the next fifty years of his life was something that gave him nightmares.  
  
The coffee table was also a mess of papers, all of it with Yunho’s messy scrawl. Changmin paused, recognizing the scribbles as letters. And he knew immediately what they were. It was not a secret that Yunho would get attacks of overwhelming emotions, and he would pour his heart into letters to his future wife. In fact, the letters used to be passed around the various members as a form of entertainment.  
  
 _I hope the girl of your dreams doesn’t barf at the sap you write Jung Yunho._  
  
And masochist that he was, Changmin ignored the twinge in his heart, sat down, and picked up the letters to read. The first one was dated just the day before.  
  
 _Interesting._  
  
Wait. Why was this addressed to  _him_?  
  
 _Dear Changminnie,_  
  
 _Filming has been so tough, I get so nervous sometimes and also frustrated that I feel that way. But I get strength knowing that you’re always there to help. Remember the other day when we were rehearsing and I hugged you? We did that scene today, and I got praised for my acting skills!_  
  
 _They said that my tears seemed so real. But Director-shii will never know that it was because I imagined her to be you…_  
  
 _I must be fucking dreaming._  
  
Hands shaking, Changmin shuffled through the letters and saw that every single one had his name on it. He put aside the ones on top and started with the piece at the bottom of the pile. It was a short one, dated nine months ago, around the time he had made the decision to move.  
  
 _Dear Changmin,_  
  
 _This is the first time I have actually put a name to my letters. In the past, I was never confident enough to put a name to the person I was writing to, but now, I know that there is one. It is yours. And it should have been for the past ten years._  
  
 _Ten years. How could I have been so blind? I didn’t know I had been falling all these years, because you had always been there to catch me. But when you told me yesterday that you were going to move out, I realized too late that I had already fallen._  
  
 _Unlike my past letters, which I had written hoping that someone special in the future will know the feelings in my heart, you will never read this, because I don’t want us change. I want to be able to read this ten years from now knowing that you are still by my side as my friend and that we are still working together towards the same dream. Perhaps by then you would have found somebody to love, and I would be able to smile at this confession of mine and treat it as a fond memory._  
  
 _But for now, Changmin-ah, let me say the words that I can’t say as a brother or a friend. I love you._  
  
 _Yunho._


	10. Chapter 10

_How dare he?_

Changmin was seething. He knew he was sick in the mind to not be bursting into song and dancing around the house with joy. If that warm melting feeling he was feeling in his chest was anything to go by, he was happy. But somehow, that didn’t seem to translate to his brain, where he was thinking of going over to the film set at that very moment and shaking Yunho. Hard.

How dare Yunho think that he was being noble for sacrificing his feelings? How dare he not even _try_?

Changmin sat in the apartment for a full hour, reading through all the sweet little letters that Yunho had painstakingly written through the months, all full sap and longing, and got more annoyed by the minute.

_Changminnie, I dreamt of you last night._

_I saw you on TV and you are doing so well, hyung is so proud of you._

_Who were you thinking of when you wrote that poem?_

_You fill my heart with joy…_

That man had famously said, “Actions speak louder than words.”, but there had been nothing, not a single clue from the older man that he had had a change of heart. Changmin sifted through his memories of the events of the past few months. Except for that impulsive embrace on the day he had moved, followed by frequent appearances at his front door to help himself to his food, his body wash and shampoo, towels and anything that Yunho had misplaced and needed a quick replacement. But that was just Yunho being Yunho.

It pissed him off that he’d been suffering for so long only to find out that the man finally reciprocated his feelings but happy to give it up without so much of a chase.

And Changmin wanted to be chased.

It wasn’t a matter of pride, nor was it about the satisfaction of seeing Asia’s top idol turning putty in his hands. It was just a matter of knowing that he was worth it.

He got up, making sure that the papers on the table looked untouched, and even though it pained him to do so, proceeded to make a mess of the apartment again before slamming the front door shut behind him. He was going to have to make Yunho work for this.    

From this point, it was game on.

\---

“Hyung…”

“Mmmmm….”

“What if I told you that I think I might like men?”

Changmin nearly smirked in satisfaction when he saw from the corner of his eye Yunho’s head snapping up from his script, attention now a hundred percent focused on him. He kept his eyes on the television, refusing to look at the older man whose jaw was probably unhinged from shock, in case he caved and burst into laughter.

They were both seated in his living room, unwinding at the end of the day. Yunho had ended filming late, and had immediately appeared at his door asking for dinner, then went straight back to memorizing his script for the last episode of his drama.

Changmin narrowed his eyes at the way Yunho absently scarfed down his food and then settled down onto the couch. There was no how was your day, what have you been doing… other than Changminnie, hyung needs dinner I’m so tired.

For a man who was supposedly in love with him, there wasn’t much appreciation shown at the food that he had lovingly cooked, and the dishes were casually left in the sink unwashed. It was something that Yunho did, all the time. It might be something that long-time married couples would do (and he seemed to have slipped into the role of the unappreciated wife) but he didn’t even get to have a courtship OR a honeymoon for god’s sake.   

It only made him more determined to carry out his plan.

“Wha… what did you say?”

“I think… I like men.” Changmin repeated slowly, allowing a troubled expression to show on his face (he didn’t win an acting award for nothing), before looking up at the Yunho, “Hyung, are you… _disgusted_?”

“NO! Of course not! I … er…When..  How did you find out?”

The script had fallen onto the floor, but it went unnoticed as Yunho stared at him, wide eyed. Was there a hopeful glint?

_Not so easy, you idiot._

Changmin shrugged and leaned back on the couch, purposely showing off his long lean form to its advantage,“I don’t know. It’s been gradual I guess. I found someone attractive and sort of _knew_.”

At least that was the truth. But the expression on Yunho’s face was priceless – it was a mix of shock and dawning horror. If this was any other day, and there wasn’t so much at stake, Changmin would have laughed, punched him in the arm, and teased ‘You are such a sucker hyung, how do you even survive without me?’

“I just thought to let you know, and to assure you that nothing between us will change,” and just to stab the point home, he added, “and in case you think I’m having weird thoughts about you…you don’t have to worry.”

“Oh.”

“And if you want me to stop … _touching_ you, I can understand that too.”

There was a long silence.

_Say something._

“No,” Yunho swallowed, “No. Nothing between us should change.”

_You coward._

Changmin smiled like they have just come to an agreement on schedules for the next day, he reached over to give him a brotherly pat him on the shoulder, “Thank you. I knew that you would understand.”

He stood up and stretched, allowing the sweatshirt he was wearing to lift high, and nearly smirked again when he saw that Yunho’s eyes dropped to the flash of bare skin. This was getting really fun, Changmin didn’t know how long or how far he was going to take this, but he wanted to see Yunho suffer. Just like how he had been suffering for the past… has it been more than nine years?

“I’m off to bed hyung, I’ve got the new show to prepare for tomorrow. Remember to turn off the lights before you leave.”

Changmin left the room to the sound of applause that only he could hear.

Sometime later that night, he was awoken by the blankets being lifted and the bed dipping from the weight of another body sliding in. A hand tentatively touched his shoulder as if to see if he was still asleep.

Changmin lay still, making sure that his breaths were even. He wanted to see what Yunho would do. He heard a small sigh and felt the other man press closer, sliding an arm around his waist. A gentle kiss pressed between his shoulder blades.

He finally allowed himself a smile of satisfaction in the dark. 


	11. Chapter 11

Untitled

 

Here with you now I am good, but I miss you

I don’t know what I can do, I can’t be true

The length of time we’re together widens 

The inherent distance between us

Just as the overflowing memories grow stronger

 

It’s hard for me to say

’Cause I can see how it’s going to end

But I got my love for you

If I am able to forget how you are right now

The more I think about it

Somehow forgetting you is something I cannot envision

I always wish the past could last forever

With me by your side

 

I wish I was in your heart

Even if it’s just the time we have spent 

And I want you to know what the truth is

But sometimes it makes me feel so scared,

 

I just can’t say to you

I won’t.

  

’Cause I can see how it’s going to end

But I got my love for you.

What if I am able to forget you and how things are now?

Will I be truly happy?

I always wish the past could last forever

With me by your side.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adapted from One Ok Rock’s Pierce lyrics (I would beg you to have a listen to the awesomeness of this song)


	12. Chapter 12

Yunho wanted to stand on that stage, with Changmin’s hand gripped tightly in his, and bathe in the cheers and applause forever. The sea of red light sticks, their names being chanted over and over, the fireworks exploding overhead, he wanted to capture this moment in his mind, everything, including the feel of the firm clasp of his partner’s hand in his.  
  
Because it would always remind him that Changmin was still by his side. Together, they had achieved this. Without that firm grip, he would not have made it.  
  
Amidst the tears and cheers later on backstage, Yunho didn’t have to look to know that Changmin was watching him as the Toho Dancers enveloped them in congratulatory hugs. He turned and smiled at the younger man over the enthusiastic crew who were milling around them, laughing and trying to talk over each other.  His heart swelled at the answering smile tugging at the other man’s lips.  
  
A space cleared between them, and without having to say a word, Changmin stepped forward, expression now sober, gaze intense.  
Their embrace was wordless.  
  
 _We did it._  
  
 _Yes, we did._  
  
 _Thank you._  
  
Yunho turned his head and pressed his face into the side of the taller man’s head.  
  
 _I love you. Can you hear me?_  
  
It was a poor excuse of the kiss he had wanted to give. He had played it in his head a thousand times, but in reality, with the staff watching, all he could manage was tight embrace and burying his face into Changmin’s sweaty hair.  
  
“I… “  
  
“Hyung, let go. Are you crying?” Changmin whispered, moving back slightly.  
  
 _Pat his back dammit. Else everyone is gonna think you have gone crazy._  
  
He gave Changmin two awkward pats on the back and released him, smiling brightly, before turning away to join the rest of the crew again who by this time, were already busy splashing each other with water from a hose that had come from goodness knows where. Bottles of water were thrown around, and when Yunho looked over at Changmin again, the younger man was laughing and playfully going after one of the dancers who had just dumped an entire bottle of water on his head.  
Whatever that needed to be said, can be said later.  
  
Except that three weeks later, other than the occasional photo shoot and meeting for their upcoming Korean album, they barely had time to talk at all. The glow of their achievement faded, and day-to-day obligations took over. Changmin was once again away taping his show, or perhaps he was out practicing? Yunho could never tell these days. The younger man was obviously having the time of his life, spending time with the cast of his show even when he wasn’t filming, or out with the Kyuline. It was almost as if Changmin knew what Yunho was feeling and needed to move further away, just dancing slightly out of reach. Teasing.  
  
But as he sat in Changmin’s empty apartment, staring at the TV, Yunho wondered if he had completely lost the plot, or perhaps never caught onto the story in the first place.  
  
He usually didn’t have much time for TV (unless it was to do research for an upcoming appearance), but ever since Changmin had started on his new variety show a few months back and had been so passionate about it, he took pains to record the episodes whenever it came on air, to be put aside to for viewing when he had the time. Yunho had even participated in the practices, taking time off from his own preparations for their concerts and tenth year anniversary album to go bowling.  
  
And it had been fun, doing something together outside of their usual band obligations. It almost felt like a date, if not for the stupid mission that Changmin had to complete and all the self-cams he had to take for the show. Ever since that night’s stunning revelation that he “might like men”, Yunho had harbored hope, that someday, with enough time and efforts on his part, Changmin might come to see him more than just a band mate that he had no choice but to stay with.  
  
Now that Yunho had some time on his hands, he spent the time going over each episode, loving every moment.  _His_  Changmin, his funny, passionate, adorable maknae was finally able to take the spotlight and show the world how he wasn’t just the snarky character he chose to present to the cameras for the past ten years.  
  
Again and again, Yunho had smiled at the goofy awkwardness that reminded him of their early days as a band, when Changmin just couldn’t get the dance steps right and would fall about like an awkward foal in the dance practice room. He’d beamed with pride when there were camera close ups that captured the laser sharp gaze that he knew was reflecting that stubborn pride and determination that had made him a force to reckon with in the music business. He would jump off the couch at every point or strike that Changmin scored in his games, cheering like a mad man, his whoops of joy echoing through the empty apartment. Changmin’s empty apartment.  
  
Yunho had imagined at the beginning that they would be able to watch it together, share a laugh over Kang Ho Dong’s crazy antics, tease Changmin about his obvious lack of athleticism and celebrate his victories together. It would be his way of still being part of Changmin’s life in every aspect. And so that he wouldn’t be watching a happy laughing Changmin on TV and wondering if he actually knew the enthusiastic man who was right now degenerating into the bright eyed hero worshipping eighteen year old right before his very eyes.  
  
 _Did you think that it was reserved for you only, you stupid fool._  
  
Yunho bit his lip and fast forwarded the parts without Changmin, skipping whole episodes. His initial joy slowly ebbing as the show continued. He felt a pang at each scene where the maknae had appeared, smile wide, mismatched eyed (something that he had not seen for months), looking relaxed and happy, looking like he belonged. Elsewhere, with someone else.     
  
 _Was this why you were so busy with your phone in Italy?_  
  
 _Was this why you couldn’t attend the rehearsals in Japan?_  
  
 _“Thanks to you, I have become more cheerful in the past two months… “_  
  
Yunho didn’t hear the door open.  
  
“Hyung! I have good news!”  
  
He sat frozen, unable to move. He felt like his body might shatter if he so much as turned his head to look at Changmin who had just bounded through the front door.  
  
“Yah! Hyung! Guess what? I showed the producers your song and they loved it!” Changmin threw down his bag, heedless of where it landed in his excitement, and moved towards him, unaware that the man sitting stock still on the couch was about to break apart.  
  
“What song?”  
  
“The one you wrote. You called it Untitled. I found it when I was… “ Changmin paused and smiled ruefully, knowing that he was unable to hide the truth anymore, “I was tidying up the place and found it amongst the other stuff you were working on.”  
  
Yunho never thought he could feel so much fury after heart break. He had been numb when Changmin was walked in. But now, it was as if every cell in his body was ready to ignite. He stood and finally looked at the younger man, whose smile was slowly disappearing from his face as he stared back at him.  
  
“You had no right to submit that song to the higher ups.” His voice was quiet.  
  
“But it was so good!” Changmin protested, looking confused, “It was what you always wanted! To write a song for our album…”  
  
“I think the show’s gotten into your head,” Yunho bit out, “Because I’m still your senior, and not some fool who is here to play games with you.”  
  
Understanding seemed to dawn on Changmin as he looked at the television, the last episode of his show was wrapping up, “It’s not what you think…”  
  
“Actually, I don’t care,” Yunho had had enough, he didn’t want to listen anymore. He had seen and heard what he needed to hear, and now with this. It was the final blow to everything he had been hoping and planning for. He reached for the door, “Do whatever you want with that song."  
  
He paused, unable to turn back to face Changmin at this moment of truth.  
  
"I wrote it for you.”  
  
And slammed the door shut. 


	13. Chapter 13

_This is the finished version. I’ve titled it. It is yours to keep. I need to be alone for a while. Don’t look for me._   
  
_Yunho._   
_   
_

Truth

  
_Here with you now I am good, but I miss you_   
_I don’t know what I can do, I can’t be true_   
_The length of time we’re together widens_   
_The inherent distance between us_   
_Just as the overflowing memories grow stronger_

 

_It’s hard for me to say_   
_’Cause I can see how it’s going to end_   
_But I got my love for you_   
_If I am able to forget how you are right now_   
_The more I think about it_   
_Somehow forgetting you is something I cannot envision_   
_I always wish the past could last forever_   
_With me by your side_

 

_I wish I was in your heart_   
_Even if it’s just the time we have spent_   
_And I want you to know what the truth is_   
_But sometimes it makes me feel so scared,_   
_I just can’t say to you_   
_I won’t._

_’Cause I can see how it’s going to end_   
_But I come alive for you._   
_How am I able to forget you and how things are now?_   
_How am I able to love again?_   
_I want to express this happiness in my heart_   
_I always wish that we could last forever_   
_Can I be by your side?_   


  
  
Changmin stared at the piece of paper in his hands feeling like he just got kicked in the guts.  
  
Yunho had rewritten the last stanza of the song. And it had changed from a song about heartbreak, to one of a confession. And it was meant for him. Yunho had meant to give it to him as a confession.  
  
 _Wow, now you’ve done it Shim Changmin. Well done._  
  
And Yunho was gone. There was nothing in the uncharacteristically neat apartment that left a clue of his whereabouts. All that was left behind on the empty coffee table was the song and the short note that went along with it.   
  
Changmin cursed himself for not going after him immediately the night before. Instead, he had stared at the shut door, too stunned to do anything else. He’d spent the rest of the night sitting in the living room, replaying the footage that Yunho had painstakingly recorded, watching each episode, heart aching knowing that he had taken the effort to record and watch him despite his busy schedule. Just like how he would watch Changmin’s rehearsal footage for their videos and concerts, even when he was on the verge of collapsing from exhaustion.   
  
And all Yunho had gotten in return was Changmin looking like he was having the time of his life, elsewhere, that he had never been happier. He cringed when he saw himself behaving like a teenager who was verging on having a man crush on one of the cast.   
  
Changmin wanted to kick himself for his careless words. The truth was, he had partly wanted to get a reaction out of Yunho. But he truly did enjoy this new aspect of his life, had revelled in the competition and the new friendships, even though a lot of it was played up for the cameras.   
  
It was so important that he succeeded, because he had wanted Yunho to be proud of him, especially in this tenth year. He wanted their tenth year anniversary together to be special.   
  
And he hadn’t known what he was looking at when he had picked up the music sheet while doing one of his sneaky rounds of housekeeping a month ago, before they had left for Japan. He had immediately gone to the music room to try it out on the keyboard, amazed by the soulfulness of the tune, the pain of the simply written but heartfelt lyrics. As the last note faded, Changmin knew that this song had to go into their album, and he wanted to sing it. He had thought it would be a surprise for Yunho if he shared it with the producers and then make the announcement that it would be part of their tenth anniversary comeback.   
  
Changmin knew that Yunho had always wanted to write a song for their album, and this song was too good not to be recorded. Except that now recording it meant that it would break Yunho’s heart.   
  
 _Like you haven’t already done the job yourself._  
  
His phone beeped. Changmin immediately dug into his pockets, hoping that it was Yunho, telling him that everything was okay, that he wasn’t that angry; they just needed to talk things through.   
  
It was Kyuhyun.  
  
 _Heechul hyung just came back from wherever he went with Yunho hyung last night. And he told me that if he sees you, you are so dead. What the hell did you do?!_  
  
So, Yunho had gone out and sobbed on Heechul’s shoulder. Changmin wasn’t too happy with that, but he couldn’t nit-pick right now, he had to find Yunho and get him to talk.  
  
 _Does Heechul hyung know where he is? What else did he say?_  
  
The response came half an hour later.  
  
 _He says that you don’t deserve to know. Yah, my gut feeling is he doesn’t really know the details either. Just stay away from him for a while._  
  
Changmin sighed. It wasn’t like he was dying to face any of Yunho’s friends right now anyway, and he knew that it was useless to try to ask any of them. They were extremely protective of the older man and would immediately gang up on him if he tried; he shuddered at the thought of confronting Boa. That woman would make him sit down and then kick him in the face if she ever found out what he’d done.   
  
He tried Yunho’s manager instead.  
  
 _Yunho said not to tell anyone. He took time off to rest._  
  
He wasn’t just anyone damn it. He was… _What?_  
  
 _Someone who loves him._  
  
 _Someone he loves._  
  
 _Loved._  
  
Changmin shook away that thought. It was a possibility he couldn’t bear to consider. There was no way that Yunho would give up on him.   
  
 _Would he?_  
  
He looked around the empty apartment, looking soulless without the usual scattering of clothes, comics and unwashed mugs. Yunho will have to come back. He just had to wait. Just like he did all the times Yunho had gone missing in search of answers.  
  
This time, he didn’t know how long it would take, but he fully intended to be right there, sitting on the couch, watching Yunho walk through the front door. And then he was going to make sure he was never going to be left behind again.   
  
It was time to come home.


	14. Chapter 14

As it turned out. Yunho had gone back to his hometown to stay with his family. Changmin had realized that the best way to find out his whereabouts was through the internet. The fans could track him down better than any special agent in the world.

_Come home. This is home._

He had wanted to call or even send a cowardly “Hyung, please come back and we’ll talk”, but he knew that nothing he did would change Yunho’s mind once it was made up. He had committed a grave error, and he had to let Yunho be alone to think things through.

Meanwhile, he busied himself by packing and moving back into Yunho’s apartment. Something which the Kyuline wasn’t too happy about because it meant that the heavy boxes had to be carried UP the stairs. Kyu muttered something about never wanting to be involved in domestic disputes ever again. Changmin ignored him.

Exactly one week after Yunho had left, Changmin was nervously sitting in the living room, pretending to watch TV, but his ears were straining to listen out for footsteps outside the door. He had gotten his own manager to keep an ear out for Yunho’s return and had just gotten a text an hour ago to say that the older man was on his way home from the company.  

He wondered if Yunho would notice that he had shifted back into the apartment that they had previously both shared the moment he walked through the front door, because it meant that it would spoil his plans. He didn’t want them to be led off track into an argument over living arrangements when he had a confession to make. The confession that Changmin knew that he owed to Yunho after making a huge mess of things.

The sound of keys in the lock and the doorknob turned. Changmin sat nervously, his eyes trained on the door, waiting for the moment Yunho would walk through it.

He was unshaven, his hair falling naturally almost into his eyes, looking tired despite the week of rest. But to Changmin, just being able to see him again, Yunho had never looked better.

If Yunho was surprised to see him sitting casually in his living room, he didn’t show it. He gave Changmin a slight nod and headed directly towards his bedroom.

Although he was half expecting it, the wordless greeting still worried him. Yunho didn’t look as angry as he did since the day he’d stormed out of his apartment, but the lack of reaction meant that he was still not open to talking.  

“Hyung, about what happened…  I want you to hear me out.”

Yunho paused by the bedroom door, and turned slowly, his eyes cautious, “I don’t need any explanations. I am not mad with you anymore. You were doing what you thought was best. For us.”

Changmin held himself still. He had to do this. There was never going to be another chance. He had already lost so much time thanks to his own stupidity. Who knew when they were going to have the chance at honesty again.

“Hyung, I need you to sit down.”

“Changmin, I’m really tired. Like I said… I’m not angry…”

“Please. It’s important.”

He heard Yunho sigh, dropped his bags and headed back towards the living room, the couch sank at his weight.

“I’m going to tell you a story…” Changmin held a hand up when he saw Yunho move impatiently out of the corner of his eye, “about an idiot called Shim Changmin.”

“Look, if this is about the meaning behind the song, and you want to console me, it’s okay … I’ve thought things over and…”

“Will you just shut the fuck up and listen?!” Changmin snapped, turning to glare at the older man. Yunho appeared slightly startled, but he stopped, leaning back as if finally ready to listen.

_Yep, great way to start a confession dude._

Changmin wanted to laugh at the whole situation, there was not a single romantic bone in his body. This was supposed to be a sweet confession, with Yunho having hearts in his eyes by the end of the whole thing. But it was starting to turn into one of their bickering sessions.

“Twelve years ago. A boy called Changmin got dragged to an audition by his mum, not really giving a shit about it, but somehow managed to sing and clap his way into getting a job.”

“I think I’ve already heard this one… “

The look that Yunho got was nothing short of murder. He held his hands up for peace and settled back again.

“And in the following two years, he wondered if he was doing the right thing, if this was the kind of life he wanted, if it was worth being in agony for. Then he met someone who told him he should quit since he was so half assed about everything anyway. And that was when he decided, he wasn’t going to. Just to piss that guy off.” Changmin shot a look at the man sitting at the end of the couch, as if daring him to say something, but Yunho who had grown wiser over the past minutes, stayed silent.

“So this person, called Yunho, was a huge pain in the ass. He watched Changmin like a hawk, as if judging him and deeming him unfit for the company. Changmin didn’t say anything, but worked harder just to prove him wrong. And he didn’t say anything not just because that person was older, but because Yunho was so dedicated to what he was doing, and so good at what he did, he could do nothing but to watch and learn. Changmin grew to respect him, and decided that this road to being in the music business was worth taking, if this person was going to be walking ahead of him, leading the way.”

Yunho was trying to hide a smile, but his eyes were far away, as if lost in the past.

“But Changmin still thought that Yunho was an ass at times. He was such a goody two shoes, and everything was about doing things the right way. And when they ended up in the same band… it was so annoying to be living with someone who was teacher’s pet, and even worse when he was nearly always right. AND he had the worse personal habits. It made him want to just take his stupid stuff toy and fling it out of the window cos’ that thing was just crawling with germs.”

Changmin could almost hear Yunho’s protest before it came out of his mouth, and cut him off quickly, “But he also began to find out that Yunho was also someone who was kind, generous and quick to forgive, and most of all, he was the most loyal friend anyone could have.”

He could feel Yunho now looking at him, waiting.

“…and Changmin fell in love.”

Stunned silence filled the room. But Changmin wasn’t finished.

“How could he not?” His voice was soft, “Yunho was like the light in his world. Just watching him perform on stage, throwing his body and soul into the music, was like watching the sun, and to be touched by its warmth every single day, by the human side of him, it was inevitable. And all Changmin could do was to love him quietly, and hope.”

“But the split happened. And I was no longer that person.” Yunho’s voice was laced with bitterness, “You saw the real me.”

Changmin shook his head, “What he saw was a man. Someone who became more real, with weaknesses and flaws.  But he didn’t stop. Couldn’t stop.” He felt an ache at the back of his throat as the memories came back,” Because it gave him a reason to finally give back, and hope for something in return. Because maybe Yunho would finally look back at him now.”

A hand reached out and touched his.

“But Yunho’s mind was full of ghosts. Past demons that refused to let go. One night, Changmin realized that he couldn’t compete with the memories,” his voice turned rough with emotion, thinking back to that night, four years ago, “It hurt too much to keep waiting for someone who couldn’t see him. And so he decided that he had to try to let go.”

Changmin couldn’t look at Yunho, but he knew that the other man had tensed up. It was painful to finally say it out loud, but it was time for the truth. He owed it to himself and Yunho.

“He thought that it would take time, and maybe a little distance would do him good. It was so tough, because every day, Yunho kept reminding Changmin of why he loved him in the first place.” He looked down at the hand on top of his, and slowly turned his palm upwards, letting their fingers intertwine, “It’s been four years. And Changmin had tried moving away. But it looked like nothing has changed.”

Yunho let out a breath, looking slightly anxious, “You… it hasn’t? What does Changmin think now?”

Changmin realized that Yunho wasn’t going to get all this subtlety, “Changmin was sorry for being a stupid ass for doing all those things in the past year to try to get his hyung to pay some attention.”

“Huh?”

“I said… “ Changmin's tone was slightly irritated, “ I’m sorry for pulling all those stunts to get you to pay attention.” Glaring at the still puzzled look on the other man’s face, “I still love you, you idiot. I just wanted you to realize how you felt and come after me.”

He saw the blazing smile on Yunho’s face only for a split second before the older man lunged forward to pull him into a bear hug.

Changmin sighed. Confessions and mushy words were never his forte. But dealing with an oblivious Yunho, he had to resort to being direct, “After writing that song for me, I would have thought you would have wanted to kis…”

He never got to finish his sentence. 


	15. Chapter 15

The kiss was clumsy at first; it was a mash of lips, bumped noses and fumbling hands. Yunho heard Changmin give a half laugh half groan, his large hands lifted to cupped his face and tilted it gently to slant his mouth across his.  

There were kisses. And then there was this kiss.

Changmin’s lips were hard, and now kissing him with controlled urgency. Yunho wondered dazedly just how many men the other man had kissed, as he seemed to really know what he was doing. His lips parted with little coaxing and he moaned at the sensation of Changmin’s tongue sliding in, its exploration causing every nerve ending in his body to awaken. Yunho responded by pouring everything he felt, the joy, exhilaration and ache of discovering that he was loved, had been loved by this man for the past ten years into the kiss. He threaded his fingers through the thick dark hair and pulled gently, deepening their contact further, as if to imprint this one moment into his body.  

His fingers found an exposed strip of skin at Changmin’s waist and he slid his hands up under his sweater, smiling slightly at the jerk of surprise and the hissed out swear word that came with it.

“Your place or mine?” Changmin gritted out, already standing up, dragging him up.

“Uh… You want us to go downstairs?” Yunho stood and swayed into the taller man, unwilling to break any contact. Is having sex in his own apartment one of Changmin’s new fixations?

His eyes gleamed with repressed amusement, and pushed Yunho gently towards the bedrooms, “Mine then.”

Yunho stopped in surprise when he was outside Changmin’s old room; he had left the room empty since the maknae had moved out, he’d wanted to convert it into a guest room, but had never gotten down to it. Perhaps because he had still harboured hope that Changmin would one day move back in.

He whipped around in disbelief and stared hopefully up into Changmin’s grinning face, “Did you move back?”

“Just remember I’m keeping the place downstairs in case your messes drive me crazy.” He murmured, hooking his fingers into Yunho’s belt loops to draw him closer, and then back walking him into the room until the back of his knees hit the bed.

“I’m not letting you walk out a second time,” Yunho said seriously, and leaned to nuzzle the side of Changmin’s long neck, his tongue running a trail that marked a vein he knew was there, exposed only when the other man’s head was thrown back in the midst of song, “If you move out again, I’m packing up and moving in with you.”

That got him a growl of approval, and he felt himself shoved onto the bed and Changmin’s weight settled on top of him, capturing his lips in a rough kiss. Impatient hands roamed down his body, fumbled with the fly of his jeans, and the offending article of clothing tugged off and thrown aside. If he wasn’t just as impatient to help remove the rest of his clothes, Yunho would have laughed at Changmin’s uncharacteristic untidiness.

The first contact of naked skin against his made him gasp, the unfamiliar slide of a hard muscled body, the heat of the hard length against his thigh electrifying. He arched as Changmin’s mouth made its way down the side of his neck, making small bites along the way. His own hands wandered across the broad back, nails scratching lightly, silently begging for more of the pain pleasure that was slowly driving him mad.

“You have no idea, how much I’ve wanted to do this when you were walking around those chest revealing outfits during our first comeback.” Changmin rasped, as he leaned down and marked him with his teeth just below the collarbone, “And you had no idea, how you drove me crazy, always getting close, touching, teasing…” Lips closed around a sensitive nipple and tugged, sending another zing of electricity all the way to his already hard cock, “And you’d dance away, looking at me with those damn innocent eyes.”

Yunho watched helplessly as Changmin lifted himself up on his forearms, muscles bunching, his dark eyes more intense than usual. He felt like he was the prey caught in the sights of a predator, unable to move, seduced by those eyes which are now turning wicked. He felt long sure fingers encircling his cock and moaned, eyes fluttering shut at the pleasure that was coming in waves with each stroke.

“I’ve always imagined how you looked, when I touch you like that…” his voice was like rough velvet, as the hand around him tightened, and a thumb circled around the sensitive head, Yunho’s hips bucked, greedily seeking out the delicious friction that was driving him wild, embarrassing whimpers coming from his throat, “… and you look more beautiful than I’d thought.”

Just when Yunho thought he couldn’t take any more of the pleasure, the hot moist sensation of Changmin’s mouth around him, made him arch off the bed. He thrust his hands into Changmin’s hair, finger clenching, uncaring if he was hurting the other man, all he could do was feel.   

“I… please…”

His brain just couldn’t form the words, Yunho didn’t really know what he was asking for, he wanted more, to be pushed beyond the edge, and he was already teetering, just a touch away from exploding.

And as if Changmin could read his mind, he stopped. His eyes flew open, the mewl of protest and disappointment made the other man smile in satisfaction, “Not so fast.”

He reached to the side of the bed, and pulled out a bottle. Yunho’s eyes widened as realization dawned.  As much as he had dreamed about this, he wasn’t sure if he was ready.

“Changmin…”

He was cut off by a kiss, “Just trust me.” Changmin murmured against his lips, his hands once again circling his cock, drawing him back into dark pleasure, “It’ll be good. I promise.”

Yunho closed his eyes, and nodded. Of course he trusted him; this was his partner in every sense of the word. And he had already surrendered himself to this man, the moment he had realized that he fallen in love.  

The initial shock of the liquid cold sensation on his ass was soon replaced by heat, thick glorious heat that prodded at the tight entrance. He gasped, eyes wide open, fingers digging into the arms that caged him as he took the first thrust.

“ _Shit_. You are so tight.”Changmin looked like he was in pain, his eyes were shut, jaw clenched, a vein throbbed in his temple, “Oh fuck… “

The initial discomfort was soon washed away by the white hot pleasure that was taking over his body as Changmin thrust into him over and over again. Yunho wanted to beg, but couldn’t find the words for it, he was incoherent with want and need, his hands clawing at the back of the man was now whispering words of filthy endearments into his ear. He hooked a leg around the bucking hips to draw him closer, quickening the pace to drive both of them closer to oblivion.

“Say my name.”

It was a whispered order.

“Changmin…” Yunho managed gasped out as Changmin pushed himself up, hooked his leg over his shoulder and slammed hard into him.

“Say it again.”

His name became a chant with each hard thrust, and it became a wail as he surrendered to the liquid sensation that overcame him, writhing, clenching as the orgasm took control, mindless with pleasure.

Above him, Changmin came with a strangled cry, pumping faster, and then collapsed, face tucked into the crook of his neck, his breathing harsh.

Yunho’s arms automatically curled around him, threading the now sweat slick curls with his fingers, inhaling the familiar scent of Changmin, now mixed with sex and sweat. Yunho smothered a smile. It was unbelievable that the boy that he had innocently shared a bed with all those years ago was now his lover.

Again, it was as if Changmin could read his mind. He shifted, turning to look at him, a scowl forming on his face, “I can’t believe we took a fucking decade to do this.”

Yunho couldn’t help but laugh.


	16. Chapter 16

 

“No.” This time, the answer came from both of them.

Yunho shot the man beside him a quick look. Changmin looked annoyed, but the there was a glint of amusement in his eyes that only he could see. He looked away quickly, he could already feel himself answering with a grin of his own.

The two of them were once again in a meeting to discuss the concept of their tenth anniversary comeback. And once again, the concept of bromance was being brought up since it had been such a hit amongst the public when they’d first made their comeback as a duo.

“You guys are seriously running out of ideas if you think we need to be doing this again.” Changmin said in a bored tone.

Yunho could see eyebrows going up, and gave a mental sigh. If this continued, it was going to get shoved down their throats, whether they liked it or not.

“Why don’t we have a think about it and provide some suggestions at the next meeting?” he used his most placating tone, “We’d like to have more involvement in this project, so give us some time to think about it.” To his relief, there were nods around the room.

_Disaster averted._

Their new relationship was a delicious secret that the two of them had agreed to keep from their friends and the company. Although a few closer colleagues could have already guessed just from the news that Changmin had moved back in with Yunho, judging by the sly looks they have been getting.

Holding hands at the back of the van and stealing kisses whilst they were alone in the changing rooms was one thing, but Yunho knew that this time, if they went with what the management was asking for, it would be certain that their relationship would be exposed for all to see.

During one of their SM Town concerts where they had performed one of their signature songs, Changmin had gotten so heated up during one of their performances that he had shoved him into an empty dressing room backstage, locked the door and pounced on him. It wasn’t until one of the Super Junior guys started pounding on the door and threatened to kick it down that they realized that they were doing the dirty in their close friends’ resting area. Yunho had tried not to blush when Heechul had patted his ass and winked when they had slunk out, stammering out excuses that they had a wardrobe disaster that needed immediate fixing. Kyuhyun had a faintly traumatized look as he looked into the room full of the band’s belongings.

Changmin had been stubbornly unembarrassed about the whole incident, but they had both sworn to keep their hands to themselves until they’ve reached absolute privacy. Although judging by their videos, the looks they have been giving each other on stage was still able to make any teenage fan girl blush.

“Leader-shii, you don’t think it’s a good idea either?” Changmin murmured into his ear. Yunho shivered, struggling to keep the polite smile on his face as they stood to watch the directors file out of the boardroom.

When the door finally swung shut behind the last senior member of the company, Yunho turned and gave the taller man a hard kiss. But before Changmin could reach for him, he broke it off and moved away, ignoring the other’s growl of protest, smiling, “And risk ruining our tenth anniversary comeback?”

Changmin pouted slightly, “I was actually thinking about all the fanboys you will be attracting.”

Yunho’s AHAHAHAHAHAHA was cut short when he saw that his partner was serious, “And here I am, thinking that you were the smart one,” he sighed, reaching out to lace their fingers together to give Changmin assurance, but keeping their hands hidden behind the backs of the chairs in case anyone should walk in, “Don’t you understand, that what we are doing, has just become a million times more important…”

“… Because it’s our only excuse to stay together. For now.” Changmin finished, leaning down to rest his forehead against his. He closed his eyes and sighed, “I guess we’ll have to keep battling management on this bromance thing for the next ten years?”

Yunho chuckled, the idea of spending another decade, loving, laughing, crying and fighting with the man who was slowly pulling him for another kiss, warmed his heart.

“Until we become so old and unattractive that you wouldn’t even think of undressing me with your eyes on stage.”  He said teasingly.

Changmin snorted, but his eyes reflected the same warmth and amusement. They were eyes that promised at least another ten years of love and war. “Like that’s ever going to happen.”

 There were things that didn’t need to be said between them.

_I love you too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And this is the end of my little tribute to the boys on their tenth year anniversary. I’ve tried to make it as “real” as possible by tying the story with my own views and things that have been said on their interviews, shows and also fan accounts. Towards the end, some dynamics have shifted and real time events interfered. So if some bits look a bit out of place…  sorry. One more thing, in one of my earlier notes, I have mentioned that I have taken the liberty of writing in a song (Yunho’s confession) that was originally by One OK Rock, called Pierce. This song inspired most of the fic (which explains the angst) together with another one of their ballads, called All Mine. Both are worth a listen as you read this, it’s almost as if both songs were written just for the boys.   
> Thank you for taking time to read this. Hope you enjoyed it.


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